I have been asked by no one, to write this manual on how to use Twitter. I probably shouldn’t even be the one to write it, since I know nothing special. I have only been “tweeting” for 3 months. But I am a writer and a computer pro, so here goes.
Oh my… the thought of writing this manual is already overwhelming to me. The whole reason that I love Twitter is I can blog in 140 characters or less. That is perfect for me. My thoughts are fast, short and sweet. So using that philosophy, here goes something:
1. Get a free Twitter account. Oh, you already have one? Good.
2. Make sure you have a secure password. You don’t want me to get a hold of your Twitter account and embarrass you.
3. Make a few new friends or “Twitterbuds.” Start with me because I am the best. Then add @LeoLaporte. Leo probably won’t follow you back because he has over 13,000 following him. Follow @ChrisBrogan. He loves everyone and will “probably” follow you. @MouseWords loves everyone too. She’s sweet, wholesome and spiritual. So am I, but you’d never believe that now, would you?
4. Consider adding @Tindle. I said, consider… you don’t actually have to do it (wink wink.) Oh, the heck with it… go ahead and add the bloke. He can buy me an ale later. There are actually some very helpful people on Twitter. One could call them the matriarchs. They seem to have a fetish for knitting… and for me. Use www.Terraminds.com to find them. Search for the term “frozen pea.”
5. Add @iJustine. Everyone else does. This would be a good thing, because at least then you’ll get half of my jokes. I tease Justine quite often… but in a very humble and loving way. “R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me.” You go, girl!
6. Tweet! That’s what it’s called when you type 140 characters or less in the text box under, “What are you doing?” Then click the “update” button below the text. Now a bazillion potential stalkers can see what you’ve just tweeted. Don’t worry though, most of them are harmless and many don’t even speak English.
7. Now might be a good time to remember that this is ALL public. Don’t put your address in your Twitter profile. Oh, and don’t talk to strangers. Wait a second… strike that last thought. Hmm, I guess I already did 
8. Did I mention to following @iJustine yet. You see, I told you I’d have trouble with this.
9. Placing an @ symbol in front of a username designates it as a reply. Here’s where Twitter gets real tricky and it’s the main reason I am writing this stupid manual. In your settings, check how you are set up to receive reply tweets. It’s under Settings/Notices/@ Replies. If you don’t want to miss a precious and precocious tweet of mine, make rootin’-tootin’ sure you have Twitter set to “show all @ replies.”
I’m really tired of writing. Can I PLEASE stop now? You can figure out the rest of Twitter on your own, or better yet… just Google (or Mahalo) Twitter 101 to find out more.
That’s it for now. When I muster up the energy, I’ll blog again about the more advanced features of Twitter… like the Secret Twitter Back Door, or how to get @MegFowler not to follow you.
Bye for now… -gj (a computer pro)
February 4, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Heh.
Not bad.
And you are the expert on how to get @MegFowler not to follow you!
But you didn’t mention anything about swingin’ avatars!! Guess that will have to go in Volume II
February 4, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Good job all around, I got quite a laugh on the following iJustine bit. It’s so true.
And MegFowler, by looking at the numbers it seems you have to be pretty durn interesting or special for her to follow you back. No biggie though, she’ll reply if you @ her at least.
I like your tweets and your humor. Keep it up.
February 5, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Nice piece, gj. I’m flattered to rate a mention, or, er, well, I think I am, though I notice I’m in the ‘compare and contrast followers’ section of the manual..
I’m not sure how to react to the idea that I’m not that useful, because I don’t knit. (Although that’s only guesswork on your part, because I don’t often boast of my knitting prowess on Twitter..I’m knitting a pink Cashmere Mac Air at the moment, so that’s as much as you know..well, I can’t afford a shop bought one.. ). On the plus side, I’m pleased not be considered a Matriarch; I don’t especially need to be thought of as some sort of Barbara Cartland figure, at this stage in my online career, though, to be fair, I am, actually, a fully qualified bodice ripper in my own right…
gj, England just isn’t ready for you..you’re much too funny..however, you and your good lady wife can drop by Tindle Towers to take tea and cucumber sandwiches with Lady tindle and I, any time..(Lady tindle says, by the way, that, exceptionally, since you are American, in your honour, she won’t cut off the crusts…).
Cheers Buddy!
G (tindle)
February 6, 2008 at 8:23 am
ijustine?? is she new to twitter
February 6, 2008 at 9:45 am
OK. I am going to flood my Twitter stream with show all @ replies and see how it feels. Since I just came on Twitter at Xmas ‘07, I was surprised to see you have only been on for 3 months. You were one of my first Twitter Buds. I continue to enjoy your humor. Keep it rockin.
March 16, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Thanks for this manual - I got a gem out of it! I didn’t know about the getting all your @’s - changed it right away!!